


FANMIX: Flipside, A Jackson Genderbend Mix

by amoama



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Fanmix, Gen, girl!Jackson, jackson whittemore - Freeform, twoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-20
Updated: 2012-08-20
Packaged: 2017-11-12 13:32:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/491599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amoama/pseuds/amoama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jackson should have been born female. It’s possible his biological parents would have kept him if he’d been a girl.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FANMIX: Flipside, A Jackson Genderbend Mix

**Author's Note:**

> For [](http://waywardmixes.livejournal.com/profile)[**waywardmixes**](http://waywardmixes.livejournal.com/) like always! I find genderbending super interesting but turns out it's also super hard to do!!  
>  I wanted to do Jackson as a transwoman but he was too fucked up to quite make it (and you know, too young really). You know Jackson would try to throw money at the situation and then try cheating. The kid is a chronic overachiever though so you can expect results!  
> 

  


  


[DOWNLOAD ZIP](http://anonym.to?http://www.sendspace.com/file/vb955v)

  


[ON 8TRACKS](http://8tracks.com/theotheramo/flipside)

  


  


  
Jackson should have been born female. It’s possible his biological parents would have kept him if he’d been a girl. That’s not something he can know, just something he thinks about sometimes. Girls are cute and loveable. Boys like him are difficult and don't know what to do with all their anger and fear so it festers, paints sneers on their faces. From his first day in school Jackson watched the girls, pretty in their dresses and smiles and he was jealous because he didn't know how to be lovely like that. He blames it on his body. 

| 

**The National – Tall Saint**  
Keep your legs from shaking, fill your eyes with new tears  
Don't ask questions, you don't know your name  
Something for everyone, try to win prizes  
Stay young and quiet  
  
  
---|---  
  
  
What’s indisputable though are the adoption applications his parents filled in, specifically requesting a baby girl. It was a fuck up. A clerical error that sent Jackson to the Whittemores rather than the cherubic girl they’d been praying for. It was four days before the paper trail could be retraced and corrected so Jackson could be picked up. Four days is a lot of time for a young almost-mother to spend with an infant child. Enough time to change her mind, to decide a boy will do. Jackson doesn’t know how to live up to that.  


| 

**  
Cat Power – The Moon**  
everyone says they know you  
better than you know who  
everyone says they own you  
more than you do  
  
  
  
After he found the paperwork his mum told him she only had to look at him to know she wanted to keep him. It’s a nice platitude. It doesn’t change the fact that they tried to sue the adoption company for the fuck up. That, says Jackson’s mum, was for his college fund. As if the Whittemores don’t have that set aside already.  
  
Jackson’s parents had a little girl, born naturally, who died before Jackson arrived. He wasn’t supposed to be the replacement, they say. Whatever. He was the consolation prize. Jackson’s what his parents got when they didn’t get what they wanted. Twice. Being a girl could have helped with that. Jackson would like to tear himself out of his body but he doesn’t know how. Until he learns about the wolves. Lying in bed the night of his first full moon after the bite feels like waiting for freedom. For absolution. Maybe he will finally become what he was supposed to be.  


| 

**  
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Feel It Now**  
And all the reasons invading  
Twist and turn my aching soul  
I leave myself behind in pieces  
I know you'll need them when I'm gone  
  
  
  
He hasn’t been the Kanima long but it feels like Jackson – whoever he is – is disappearing. He tells himself he’s becoming something greater, more powerful, but the truth is he just doesn’t know. He turns into a freaking lizard. He doesn’t know if the Kanima is good or bad, or even male or female. In that sense it is freeing. The Kanima is a gender neutral place. As the Kanima, Jackson doesn’t have to think what to do or who to be.  
  
He starts to realise, he can be anything. Jackson is becoming less and less real. A weak boy who thought he would get to be a wolf but is little more than a weaponised reptile. Jackson is repugnant.  


| 

**  
Athlete – The Awkward Goodbye**  
My heart is a stone/ you don’t want to go there  
Outside love moves on/ to an imaginary world  
Where we both belong/ in an imaginary world  
  
  
  
In his head, he starts to refer to himself as Jacqs, as if it’s short for Jacqueline. When he was five he found the dolls that had been his dead sister’s. Some of them she’d been too young to play with so they didn’t have names. He’d asked his mum about what he would have been called if he was a girl. She’d said Elizabeth (she likes Jane Austen) or Samantha for his grandmother. He asked her about female versions of his own name. His mum had been a bit confused but she’d come up with Jacqueline and Jackson liked it. He named the prettiest doll Jacqueline. At first, when he was little, he pretended Jacqs was his best friend. But soon she was more than that.  
  
In his head, Jacqs is the prettiest. She’s strong and looks like an athlete. (She still fucking rocks at lacrosse). He imagines that Jacqs is the one who controls the Kanima. The lizard is a somewhat feline creature and Jacqs is an extension of that. Jacqs is totally independent, she doesn’t owe anyone anything. She’s self-confident and happy with who she is. Everyone wants Jacqs but Jacqs doesn’t give a shit. She’s not your average woman. She's a porche.  


| 

**  
Foster the People – Houdini**  
Got shackles on, my words are tied  
Fear can make you compromise  
Fast enough it's hard to hide  
Sometimes I want to disappear  
  
  
  
It’s like the Kanima takes all Jackson’s insecurities and amplifies them into a lonely, subservient, vicious monster. When the Kanima isn’t in control, Jackson is a shell. He avoids his friends (some of whom lock him up at any opportunity, if they’re not trying to kill him), he doesn’t speak to his parents. He barely knows where he is most of the time. Jackson is gone, the Kanima has hollowed him out, subsumed him into itself.  
  
Jacqs rises from the ashes fully formed. It’s easier to be Jacqs than to be the remains of Jackson. Jacqs is who he should have been. Jacqs’s life is perfect without her having to try. Jacqs is who he wants to be.  


| 

**  
Future Islands – Balance**  
And you can clean around the wound  
but if you want it to heal/ it just takes time  
and you can go up to the moon  
but if you want something to change  
you gotta change your life/ and take your time  
it just takes time  
  
  
  
At first he thinks he can just shell out a bunch of money and make it happen. He visits a couple of specialists and they give him lots to read and tell him to have therapy and come back when he’s older. Transitioning looks like it takes a long time and no doctor seems keen to support the decision of a 16 year old kid, especially one without parental consent or support. One doctor encourages him to try cross-living for at least a year to see if he can “function” as a woman. He doesn’t really understand what that means and it’s laughable if the doctor thinks he’s “functioning” now.  


| 

**  
SNSD – Sixteen Going on Seventeen**  
Totally unprepared am I to face a world of men  
Timid and shy and scared am I of things beyond my ken.  
  
  
  
Becoming the Kanima was painful. He woke up in a river after all, after days of agony. Every time he mutates into the lizard his skin feels like it explodes off his face and the pain in his spine as it twists and elongates is unbearable. But it’s quick. It doesn’t take years of therapy and pretence and hormone replacement. Yes, there are things he can do now, like the cross-living and perhaps voice therapy. They’re intriguing. He wants to know what Jacqs will sound like. But if he can turn into a lizard practically overnight, how is it he can’t find a supernatural way to become Jacqs?  


| 

**  
Green Day – Let Yourself Go**  
Everything you've said I've already heard  
I'm sick to death of your every last breath  
And I don't give a f*ck anyway  
Let yourself go, let yourself go, let yourself go  
Everyone is f*ckin' with my head now  
  
  
  
Jackson doesn’t have time. He’s out of control. He’s a mindless killer at the mercy of psychopaths. He needs to be Jacqs right the fuck now. He needs to be a new person, someone without his hang-ups, without his past. He knows, without any real reason, that Jacqs is the only one who can get herself there. Jackson is gone and his body is obsolete.  


| 

**  
American Steel – Dear Friends and Gentle Hearts**  
I’ll stare into the sun/ Until I can’t see at all  
And that’s one more broken man/ Just crumpled on the floor  
  
  
  
Jackson is 16 and he hates who he is.  
Jacqs is 16 and she knows who she's supposed to be.  
The Kanima is an ageless abomination who shouldn’t exist.  


| 

**  
Cat Power – Maybe Not**  
Dream that I see, don't kill it, it's free  
We can all be free  
Maybe not in words  
Maybe not with a look  
But with your mind  
  
  
  
Jacqs walks round the school, looking about her with new eyes. She feels calm and self-aware. She swings her lips a little just because she can. She doesn’t worry what any of these stupid school kids make of her. She sits next to Danny in homeroom. He gives her a questioning look but then he shakes his head and goes back to his magazine. He's cool with it.  
  
She’s not wearing anything too crazy: tight jeans, yellow tee, a bit more jewellery than a boy would probably wear. It's not really about the clothes, but it's fun and she feels empowered. She thinks she should get her ears pierced next. And maybe her belly button. Or a nipple. She daydreams about tattoos (in places her parents won’t see) all the way through first period. She draws a snake-like creature and pictures it wrapped around her upper thigh and hip-bone. Maybe one day.  


| 

**  
Ane Brun – To Let Myself Go**  
To let myself go/ To let myself flow  
Is the only way to be  
There’s no use telling me / There’s no use taking a step back  
A step back from me  
  
  
  
All day people around her stare and whisper about why “Jackson” is dressed like a girl. She barely remembers they’re talking about her. She just stares them all down for looking at her so rudely. It’s so much better than “Jackson looks ill”, “Jackson’s just co-captain now”, “Jackson got kidnapped by Stilinksi?”  
  
In Economics Coach yells “Jackson!” when he catches her daydreaming. “It’s Jacqs, Sir.” She tells him.  
  
“I don’t give a flying ffffaaaaaaa.” Coach yells. “Just pay attention. There’s practice later and I need you on the ball.”  
  
Jacqs loves her Coach sometimes.  


| 

**  
Amanda Palmer – In My Mind**  
And in my mind  
I imagine so many things  
Things that aren't really happening  
And when they put me in the ground  
I'll start pounding the lid,  
Saying, "I haven't finished yet,  
I still have a tattoo to get,  
It says, 'I'm living in the moment'".  
  
  
  
Jacqs gets on with her life and waits for the next full moon. She resists the pull of the Kanima’s master, asserting herself over the monster, bending it to her will. If it needs a friend, it can turn to her, no one else. She keeps her head down. Stays out of everyone’s way. She doesn’t want to be caught up in anyone else’s petty drama from now on. She’s her own woman.  
  
The full moon comes and she hangs back after practice in the school locker-rooms. She waits in front of the mirror. She transforms into the lizard, pain wrecking her until finally slit eyes stare back at her and blink themselves free of the agony. She holds herself still inside the monster. Focuses only on who she is, what she wants to see from now on. She stares out of the Kanima and sees herself slowly, painful inch after painful inch, shift into the female form she’s been emulating. That’s who she is after all, a shifter, and this is the form she wishes to take. Perhaps there was a reason Jackson became a lizard not a wolf. Jacqs doesn’t need a reason to become herself.  
  
Her body is round and toned and sensuous. She’s tall and strong looking. Her jaw is softer. She sees how her face will be framed when she grows her hair out. Her fingers are thinner, more delicate as she traces her cheekbones.  
  
Jacqs smiles at herself. She’s freaking done it. She fucking rules. Her lips curl up and she smirks at herself victoriously. She’s going to show everybody.  


| 

**  
The Jezebels – Easy to Love**  
So, let me go out into the evil world that you know  
Where my baby cries, but I cut the ties  
Oh, let me go, let me go, let me go out into the sinful world that you know  
That you really love  
Just let me be easy to love  
  
  
  



End file.
